January 1st 2020…

January 1st 2020…

Today marks the start of new beginnings. The time to reflect on the past. The amazing highs, the almighty lows and all the bits in-between. The time to share resolutions you’ll set with good intentions but struggle to keep beyond the first month. A new day, a new year, a brand spanking new decade.

So why do I feel so damn flat?

Let’s just say 2019 was character building. I’m a stronger woman after enduring challenge after challenge whether personal or work related. But I’m tired. Tired of getting my hopes up, tired of constantly putting a smile on my face and muddling through, tired of pretending everything is ok when actually it’s not.

‘2020 is going to be my year’ I keep telling myself. But what if it’s not? What if I’m sat in the bath January 1st 2021 writing the same ‘woe is me’ post because abso-bloody-lutely nothing has changed once again?

This isn’t a cry for help by the way. I’m just feeling particularly sorry for myself. Maybe it’s because my period started yesterday? A fabulous way to end the year *virtual thumbs up*. A middle finger from Mother Nature. I mean, at least it was bang on time though. No pissing about like last month. Note to self: I must remember to remain thankful for small mercies and avoid constantly sounding ungrateful. Repeat after me ‘you are healthy, you are happy. You are healthy, you are happy.’

This month, more so than last month, I had completely convinced myself we were pregnant. That the spotting I got Christmas Day and Boxing Day was a sign that 2020 was going to be ‘The One.’ I had obsessively Googled implantation spotting, timescales, cycles. Thoughts constantly whirring around my head for 6 days. Wondering how I go about cancelling the consultation we have booked with a specialist in January. Staying up until 5am reading post after post telling me not to get my hopes up until I’d done a pregnancy test after my period was due. Looks like one of my resolutions needs to be ‘follow other’s advice’ because I did the exact opposite.

Yes, 2019 had it’s struggles but life would be boring if everything went the way we want it to right? 2020 will no doubt have its own hurdles to overcome and we will get through whatever is thrown at us.

But today I’m a little down so I’m going to get back in my pjs, drag the duvet to the sofa and watch back-to-back rom-coms before I have to head back to work tomorrow. Let me wallow in my hormonal sadness for a few hours and then I’ll be as right as rain.

So cheers everybody! Here’s to 2020! New Year, Same Me. Just 34lbs lighter and a little more exhausted.

BMI is bulls**t…

BMI is bulls**t…

Am I right?

It’s a pointless tool used by medical professionals to tell you whether you’re ‘underweight’, ‘healthy’, ‘overweight’, ‘obese’ or ‘morbidly obese’. Yet it was designed nearly 200 years ago by a mathematician with absolutely no medical training and hasn’t really been updated ever since.

Hun, I don’t need a sliding scale to tell me I’m overweight. I’m short and round so of course on the BMI table I’m off the charts (not quite, but you get what I’m saying).

The doctor hasn’t mentioned anything about my weight. No casual conversation about eating healthy or exercise or ‘let’s just check your measurements’. However, we’ve just been struck with a time scale.

3 months of medication and if that doesn’t work we’re then referred for IVF.

Now, I’ve done my research and I’m fully aware there’s a requirement to be under a certain BMI to be eligible for IVF with the NHS. This requirement means I need to shift 3 stone minimum before the New Year. And actually, for the first time ever, I’m ready for that.

I started worrying about my weight when I realised it was out of control in March. My life was just one big binge eating session and I was starting to feel it. Stepped on the scales and shed a single tear and decided I need to start looking after myself. I lost 20lbs, put on 7lbs, lost 5lbs and put on 1lbs over the course of 5 months. I wasn’t too focused, didn’t know what I was working towards and didn’t really feel a sense of purpose.

I have 3 cycles, 3 months of tablets and 3 stone to shift. If that’s not a clear goal I don’t know what is. It’s 17 weeks until the New Year. Broken down that’s 2.5lbs per week and I’m going to do it.

I have to do it.

The tablets might do their thing, the doctor seemed very confident they will. But I would hate for them not to work, us be referred and then be turned down or delayed because I’ve been a little meatball for the last 10 years.

So, if anyone needs me from now until 2020 I’ll either be at work or the gym or crying because I miss all the carby foods and would do anything to dive headfirst in a bag of crisps.

Wish me luck!